MENTAL AND VERBAL ABUSE COUNTS TOO I didn't know it was happening to me.

A family is a place that every one should feel:

SAFE
LOVED
WORTHY
CAPABLE

This list is in no way complete. They just touch and encompass four of our basic human rights and needs.

I know that I had spent too many years in a marriage wishing to God that my husband would just hit me. Now I know to some who have not been mentally abused this sounds crazy. I did though, i did every time he yelled at the kids, punched the wall, spent all of the money, called me names. I wished he would come home drunk all of the time or hit me. These I felt, were real reasons to leave.

I left him years later. I had decided I needed to live for me. No longer could I write my life away as though all was written in stone. When the kids grew up I thought i could live then.
I had no idea how to leave, so i called a hotline for legal aid. After explaining my story the woman directed me to another hotline. It was for domestic violence. I dialed and thought I would be transfered to another legal department which offered help to women seeking divorce.
I felt that what I delt with was not "abuse" like this. That volunteer set up an appointment with ACCORD Corp. They are a domestic violence, amung other things, cooalition.
I went to the appoinment with the intentions of telling them how our case was not the normal abuse, that I just didn't know how to leave and needed advise on the whole ordeal and how to cope, where to go next.
As I sat in the waiting area, there was a chart. A circle which outlined the different kinds of abuse and how they all connect with exact examples. I cried as I realized the very thing I was sure would never happen to me, The very things I was there to argue were not abuse that counted "like that" happened to me and my family and I had not seen them.
I started attending classes. I did not want to go in there. I was sure I would not have anything to contribute to these meetings and I and my family would not "fit" in these conversations. I was quiet my first meeting. Women from apparently all wlks of life were there. Some because they were ordered if they wanted thier kids back and they really didn't want to be there either. Some were women who's husbands were well known and their family was respected here. I listened to all of thier stories hoping to here something familuar.

What I heard that first day was out of a woman who had been beaten so bad with a can of carrots that she could not even eat them or see them for that matter. I heard her and her two children's story and cried. At first it convinced me I do not belong here. How dare I complain. I knew then that I was not so bad off.

Then she said something that I will never forget, something that has gotten me through very rough times and givin me the determination to gain self respect for myself and for my children.

" I would take a beating any day over the mental and emotional abuse anyday."
This from a woman who was chained to a chair and left to die with her two small children in the house and only was here today because she managed to crawl to a window and wave to passer bys.
She said the beatings end. They start at a specific time and end. The mental tearing down of one's self has no definate beginning middle or end. It is ongoing and mind washing. Confusing to even the person on the look out for abusive behavior.
In an abusive relationship, the abuser may use varying tactics to gain power and control, including:
Children as pawns. Accuses you of bad parenting, threatens to take the children away, uses the children to relay messages, or threatens to report you to children's protective services.
Coercion and threats. Threatens to hurt other family members, pets, children or self.
Denial and blame. Denies that the abuse occurs and shifts responsibility for the abusive behavior onto you. This may leave you confused and unsure of yourself or make you feel like you're going crazy.
Economic abuse. Controls finances, refuses to share money, makes you account for money spent and doesn't want you to work outside the home. The abuser may also try to sabotage your work performance by forcing you to miss work or by calling you frequently at work.
Emotional abuse. Uses put-downs, insults, criticism or name-calling to make you feel bad about yourself.
Intimidation. Uses certain looks, actions or gestures to instill fear. The abuser may break things, destroy property, abuse pets or display weapons.
Isolation. Limits your contact with family and friends, requires you to get permission to leave the house, doesn't allow you to work or attend school, and controls your activities and social events. The abuser may ask where you've been, track your time and whereabouts, or check the odometer on your car.
Power. Makes all major decisions, defines the roles in your relationship, is in charge of the home and social life, and treats you like a servant or possession.

to read more click here http://www.mayoclinic.com/health/domestic-violence/WO00044

Do not ignore abusive comments. If it hurts you or your children it is wrong. Your home is your safe place in this world. The place you and your kids should feel loved not ever question thier importants or right to existance. Do not allow it. If it is happening. Make that call what can it hurt if you are wrong? What can it change if you are right? National Domestic Violence Crisis Line 1-800-799-7233.